Stories appear frequently about grieving parents seeking civil lawsuits
and criminal justice to punish people they hold accountable for the deaths
of their adult children, who were breaking laws and doing stupid things
when they were killed.
Although none of us who are parents know how we would react in similar
situations, and we pray we never find out, it seems appropriate to ask
if parents are telling kids that some actions "increase the odds"
that death will come too soon.
When my youngest son was 14, he and two friends were "horsing around."
Two boys lured the third outside, tried to shut him out of the house, his
arm went through glass. I got home just in time to hold a towel compress
on an ugly, gaping wound that required sixty stitches.
After the ambulance left with the boy, I told my son and his other friend
that shunning horseplay does not guarantee safety, and horseplay does not
guarantee accidents, but horseplay always "increases the odds"
that somebody will get hurt.
But kids, of course, and many adults, don't think it will ever happen
to them. Those who court disaster and survive are lucky, sometimes those
who do nothing wrong end up dead, and sometimes we blame God when God was
not involved.
William Sloane Coffin, former Yale chaplain, was frustrated when a parishioner
expressed condolences for the death of Coffin's son by saying it was difficult
to understand the will of God.
"It wasn't the will of God that my son die," Coffin said,
"my son died because he got drunk and drove into Boston Harbor."
Not many parents would have the courage to be so candid, and even fewer
would concede it may be more than coincidence that a large percentage of
those who die while doing stupid things are young adults who have parents
with different last names.
Just as horseplay "increases the odds" that an accident will
happen, broken families "increase the odds" that young adults
will get involved in dangerous horseplay.
I am amused by men who say they are good fathers because they spend
quality time with their kids on alternate weekends. Sometimes problems
don't develop on alternate weekends. Sometimes it's a remark or expression
on Tuesday morning over breakfast that transmits a signal a father needs
to receive.
My loving parents stayed together, but my father, partly because of
his own traumatic childhood, did not know how to deal with my drinking
problem, and so, not knowing how, he did nothing.
Eventually, at age 32, I bottomed out, after getting fired from a job
I thought I did well. I got stinking drunk, smoked marijuana given to me
by a friend, miraculously drove home without killing myself, and hallucinated
all night, It would have been my fault, not my frend's, if I had died.
Was I lucky? Yes. Do I thank God for then giving me strength to stop
poisoning my body and mind? Yes. Did that experience help me learn to keep
my ears and eyes open on Tuesday mornings? Yes. Did it stop me from making
mistakes as a father? Of course not.
There are times, especially during the critical years of 10 to 15, when
many fathers have done some really stupid things, making their wives and
children justifiably angry.
But men who stick it out, who stay married when marriage seems more
like a swamp than a rose garden, who put dreams on the shelf and figuratively
dig ditches to feed their families with commitment as well as groceries,
discover that remote control never works with teenagers.
Being a father is more than contributing sperm and money. Being a father
is making mistakes and admitting them. Being a father is being ashamed
and seeking forgiveness. Being a father is being there when times are tough,
even if you don't know how.
Being a father is telling children that getting drunk, using drugs,
stealing cars, and running from police are habits that increase the odds
they will die. A father's habit of skipping Tuesday morning breakfast,
before they are old enough to drink and drive, increases the odds they
won't take the time to listen.